Who is Family?

The cookie cutter definition of family is pretty straightforward, it is a group of people who have descended from the same ancestor. When you actually dig into the bones of family though, it is so much more than that because of the complex history that inherently comes with it.

Where I grew up, family was the end all and be all. If you needed something, you called family and they would be there. If you didn't know something, you called family and they would help you problem-solve your way through it. Family was there to support you, build you up, and cheer you on as you as you worked towards what God has planned for your life. They could be counted on, no matter the time or place, and would have your back in whatever capacity that they had available.

This was something that I found to be true...until I didn't. Until I, and my beliefs, made my family uncomfortable and it was easier to just ignore those specific parts of me and act like nothing had really changed - even when it really did. I get how that would feel easier, but it is also dehumanizing and limits who you are able to be around them.

Your beliefs and values should grow and change as you grow and change! Life is full of experiences and we should take them. These experiences should make you question yourself, your beliefs, and the world. That's what experiences do; provide perspective, a glimpse of a bigger picture, and ultimately (hopefully) empathy.

Being unwilling to challenge them means that you are more comfortable in your bubble, whatever that means to you, and it isn't worth taking the time to learn and empathize with others experiences.

Personally, I view that as you are running scared. Being able to face your mistakes and misguided world views, made unknowingly or knowingly, is what makes the world a kinder (better) place. That's how everyone grows together and gives us the ability to learn from each other.

Really, the alternative is doubling down on your beliefs and prioritizing your personal fear over someone's life (or dreams or job opportunities or mental health or you get the picture because this list could go on).

When you ignore a part of someone, you are ignoring part of their identity. Even if you don't mean to, what you are doing is ignoring a piece of who that person is. You won't really know the size of the piece that you are ignoring, because you haven't taken the time to find out. Specifically, you won't find out how big or important that piece is to them - which can make all the difference.

I found this was especially true in my life for anything involving COVID.

Personally, I always viewed COVID as a thing to be medically aware of - this is due to both my health history and the impacts I have seen it have in the populations that I serve. My family had the front row for the expense that cancer and its effects took on my life, my body, and my mental health.

I believe COVID is real. Millions of people having died from it is evidence enough for me. However, due to how politicized COVID got from the media and politicians, not everyone views it that way. Which is fair due to the pure amount of misinformation that was spread. This was something that I always knew, but honestly didn't think would extend to how my family viewed my personal choices, my overall health, and how it would impact my choices surrounding them.

Man, I know that I can be wrong a lot but I didn't expect to be so wrong about this.

Only speaking about COVID, what I found that happened is that almost every conversation, no matter the origin of the call, turned into one of questioning my everyday choices regarding my life. My every move was questioned and needed explained over and over. I was labeled as hypocritical and manipulative if what was I doing that fell out of line of extreme social distancing because, if I believe COVID is real, then they believed that I automatically have to do extreme social distancing no matter what. Never mind the physical fitness that I am doctored ordered to be doing, the bills that needed to be paid (usually through multiple jobs), or having any fun social activity (mental health/self-care break) examined - regardless of it being outside or not.

This came to a head last February when my brother called me and told me that because he didn't believe in COVID, that he would never get tested for me/my health, and that he didn't care if I died from it.

It was hard at the time, but I am actually thankful that it happened. It snapped me out of my belief that family should be over everything. I realized that if my own brother didn't value my life, because I was living in a way he didn't agree with (though it was for my personal health), then he didn't have to be a part of it.

I found out that over time, I am way happier without anyone's limited view of me in my life. No more questions with information searching to use against me later. No more feeling like I need to overexplain my choices so people will understand my perspective - because it will be labeled as invalid later anyway. No more being told that I am crazy/brainwashed/have scales over my eyes when I am honest about myself or my beliefs.

This experience is specific to COVID, but take it a step further and you can see the lasting damage it does individually, within families, and even compounding to communities/political agendas. COVID isn't part of my identity, but imagine if the topic under discussion was (i.e. sexual preference, gender, ect.).

Why would anyone be comfortable being their authentic selves?

This was really hard for me to come to terms with regarding my brother because we grew up together, we have so many positive memories, and at one point he was my best friend. However, I have also learned that time, memories, or blood lines don't matter when people base someone's worth on their XXX (insert: political/social beliefs, sexuality, gender, race, religious affiliations, ect.). This isn't limited to him, but really for anyone who took the time to judge anyone's life without taking the time to see why different choices are being made.

Life isn't cookie cutter so no one's decisions are either.

There have been times in my life that I have put family over everything, and I don't regret those times, but personally I am not doing this anymore. It is not worth the expense on my mental health, and ultimately my physical health, to try to exist in a space where people aren't willing to see me where I am. I am not going to change/silence myself or my beliefs to make you more comfortable, and if you don't want to take the time to see where I am coming from then I am not going to take the time to explain myself.

I don't think anyone should have to do those things to feel accepted and seen.

The communities that surround us shape who we are, and we do have a choice who those communities are. I want my personal community to challenge me and hold me accountable, find laughter in the shitty stuff, and treat the world around them with kindness and empathy.

What do you want out of your community?